


Christmas Memories

by darkcyan



Category: Natsume Yuujinchou | Natsume's Book of Friends
Genre: Christmas, Gen, Melancholy, POV Female Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-12
Updated: 2014-01-12
Packaged: 2018-01-08 11:34:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1132155
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darkcyan/pseuds/darkcyan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Christmas has always been special to Taki. She wants to share that with her friends, this year, too, but finds herself receiving even more than she gives.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Christmas Memories

**Author's Note:**

> Some spoilers through volume 16 (chapter 65). Excessive fluffiness.

Taki Tooru hunched deeper into her scarf, tucked her gloved hands into her armpits, resisted the urge to check her stocking cap – it felt fine, and even if it was off kilter now, further messing with it would probably just make it worse – and did her best to appear as though she wasn’t quietly freaking out. 

_It’s okay if he says no.  Don’t be disappointed if he says no.  You’re springing this on him out of nowhere, so he probably already has plans, so he’ll_ probably _say no._

_It’s not going to kill you if he says no.  Just smile, and say “Oh well, maybe next year”, and turn and walk away.  It’s not that hard._

She’d had a _lot_ of time to herself, last year.  And yes, a lot of that time she’d kept herself busy – with research; with drawing up dozens of fruitless plans, each more ridiculous and less likely to work than the last; with drawing her grandfather’s circle everywhere she could _just in case_.  But that had still left a lot of time for thinking. 

And one of the things she’d thought was this:  If she saw this through, if she actually lived out the year and _won_ …

She would talk.

About whatever she wanted.  To whomever she wanted.  Not if they didn’t want her to, of course – she didn’t want to _intrude_.  But after forcibly restricting herself for a year, she had promised herself that she wouldn’t let society’s unspoken rules about proper behavior restrict her from speaking any further.  Not if she had something she really wanted to say. 

And then Natsume had appeared, and saved her, so it was only fair, wasn’t it? 

She stopped beside the namepost and attempted to exhale all her tension.  It didn’t work terribly well, but at least it steadied her enough to, with one final mental admonishment, turn up the walk to the Fujiwaras’ house. 

She made it about halfway down the walkway before she raised her gaze from around her feet – crunching through the latest layer of thankfully-thin snow – to the door.  She immediately stopped.  “ _Tanuma_?”  _… Oops. That came out louder than I expected._

Her dark-haired friend blinked back.  “Taki!  Merry Christmas.  Did you need to talk to Natsume about someth–” His eyes widened, and a blush dusted what she could see of his cheeks above the broad scarf he was wearing.  “Oh!  Sorry.  I didn’t mean to intrude.”  He shifted from foot to foot, as though trying to figure out a way to leave that didn’t involve walking past her.  “I’ll just, um.  See you in school on Monday?  If I do.”

With Tanuma in Class 1 and herself in Class 5, each near a different set of stairs, it often took one of them actively seeking out the other for them to meet in school.  Natsume, too.  For a moment, the old loneliness bit into her again, but she shook it off.  This was not the time.

She’d promised.

“I’m not dating Natsume.”  She said.  She probably would, if he asked.  But she doubted he ever would.  “Um.  I assume you’re not, either?”

“What?  No.” Tanuma’s blush deepened.  “We’re both _guys_.”

A very small part of her sighed with disappointment.  They would look so _adorable_ together.  … On the other hand, they both probably had enough troubles already.

“I was just.”  He shifted again, though he seemed to have relaxed now that he knew he wasn’t interrupting a date.  “I thought.  If he wasn’t busy, maybe we could wander around and look at the lights together?  This is my first Christmas here, too.” 

“That’s right.”  Tooru said, eyebrows raised.  “I keep forgetting.  You’re even newer to the area than Natsume, aren’t you?” 

Tanuma raised his hands.  “By a couple of weeks, maybe?  I’m not sure.  He’d been around long enough for me to hear rumors, at least.”

Tooru looked back down at the snowy ground.  She knew about the rumors, and even if they _were_ the reason that she’d tried talking to Natsume in the first place and thus the reason she was still standing here today, she still _hated_ it, the way people whispered about him. 

Especially when there was nothing she could do to stop it, not really.  She’d wanted, so many times, to walk up to them and say “He’s not creepy or weird, you’re all just blind.”  But when she was just as blind as they were, and she got the distinct impression that Natsume didn’t _want_ anyone to know that he really _was_ different, it always seemed like it would cause more harm than good.  Glaring, at least, she could do, though she suspected that it ultimately just made them go spread the same rumors somewhere else.

“… _Did_ you have something to talk to Natsume about?”  Tanuma asked.  “I can come back later, or …”

“No!”  She blurted.  Faltered.  Made herself continue.  “I was coming here to make the same offer.  If I had known – but then I figured, with the temple so far away, you probably wouldn’t want to come into town just to, you know …” 

“Oh.”  She couldn’t really see his mouth, but from the crinkles around his eyes and the tone of his voice, she thought Tanuma was smiling.  “In that case, I really should – I mean, you’ll make a much better guide than me.”

The front door slammed open – quite an accomplishment, for a sliding door.  Tanuma whirled, and Tooru leaned to get a better look at the source of the noise:  Natsume, looking agitated and ever so slightly out of breath. 

“What’s wrong, Natsume?” Tanuma asked, as she closed the remaining distance. 

Natsume looked from Tanuma to Tooru, and sighed, visibly relaxing. “Sensei said he saw you both standing out here, looking worried, so I was afraid …”

Tooru exchanged a look with Tanuma, and they both laughed.  It did seem like the sort of prank that adorable kitty would pull. 

“Takashi- _kun_ , is everything all – oh, hello, Kaname- _kun_ , Tooru- _chan_.  Are you here to visit?  Oh, but do come in, it’s so cold out this time of year!”  Touko- _san_ appeared from around the corner, beaming as she wiped her hands on a white towel.

Tanuma shifted sideways, looking uncomfortable.  “I should probably –”

Before she let herself think too hard and risk talking herself out of it, Tooru grabbed his arm and pulled him after her into the entrance hall, almost bumping into Natsume before he shifted out of the way.  “We’d love to.”  She said firmly. 

“Oh!  I should get you some tea.  Do pardon me, Takashi- _kun_ hardly ever brings his friends over!” 

“Please don’t put yourself out for us.”  Tooru rushed to reassure her.  Even if the way Natsume’s face turned red and he looked sort of appalled when he was embarrassed was distractingly adorable.  “We, um.” And it _was_ all right to use ‘we’, wasn’t it?  She slid a glance at Tanuma, but he mostly just still looked uncomfortable.  Well, nothing to do but forge forward and hope that if it wasn’t, he’d forgive her.  “We weren’t planning on staying long.  We just thought Natsume might want to take a walk around town with us, look at the lights?” 

Tanuma looked at her, appearing oddly surprised.  Like she would have said anything else?  Then he smiled, and she relaxed slightly.  He didn’t mind, then. 

“What a wonderful idea!”  Touko- _san_ said.  “Shigeru- _san_ and I used to do that every year.  Oh, what wonderful times we had.”  She looked a bit wistful.  “We haven’t done it for years, now.  These old bones aren’t as resistant to the cold as they used to be.” 

Her gaze snapped back to the immediate surroundings, and in particular to Natsume as she nodded firmly.  “Go have fun with your friends, Takashi- _kun_.” 

Natsume looked from Touko- _san_ to Tooru and Tanuma, a tentative smile on his face.  “All right.  I’ve never –” he cut that thought off with a shake of his head, turning to Touko- _san_.  “Are you sure you’ll be all right?  I can stay, if you think you’ll need help with the cooking …”

Touko- _san_ laughed.  “I’m not that old, yet.  Oh!  But you two must come over for dinner, after.” She turned to Tanuma.  “Unless your father is needed at the temple?  He’s welcome to join us, too, but if he’s too busy, I’m sure you’d prefer to –”

Tanuma looked like he was on the verge of shifting from hesitant to downright intimidated.  “We couldn’t possibly impose …”

“Nonsense!”  Touko- _san_ said firmly.  “Two men alone, and on Christmas Eve?  Why, you were probably planning on eating leftovers or something.  I’ll call your father straight away and work things out.”

Tooru didn’t have the proper opportunity to appreciate Tanuma’s reaction as Touko- _san_ ’s gaze shifted to her and softened.  “You and your mother are more than welcome, as well.”  She said.  “Unless – is she working late again, tonight?”

Tooru couldn’t help her flinch.  “Something important came up.”  She said, and hoped it sounded like she didn’t care.  “And with the weather the way it is …”

The weather was a convenient excuse.  It always had been.  But she still pretended she believed it.  It helped her mother feel less guilty, and besides, she _didn’t_ care, not _really_ , it was just …

Last year had been her first Christmas without her grandfather, and she’d spent the entire time so worried that she’d inadvertently talk to someone that holing herself up at home, alone with just her grief and fear for company, had seemed like a gift. 

This year, though …

This year, she’d promised herself it would be different.

“Well, then, I must insist that you join us.” Touko- _san_ said.  “Your mother can join us, as well, if she makes it back in time.” 

It burned, to see the understanding in Touko- _san_ ’s face and know that her family situation was the subject of gossip.  (Or that she was really just that transparent.) (Or that Touko- _san_ had cared enough to investigate.)

But she didn’t have the strength to refuse. 

“Thank you.”  She said quietly.  “It would be my pleasure.” 

“Well, then, that’s sorted.”  Touko- _san_ said, all cheer again.  She waved her hands at Natsume.  “Go on, get your coat, and go have fun with your friends.” 

A soft smile touched Natsume’s face.  “Yes, Touko- _san_.” 

“And don’t forget your scarf.” 

Smilling softly at Natsume’s slightly bemused but mostly pleased obedience, Tooru let herself back outside, hoping the cold air would help dispel the mingled grief and extremely unsightly envy that were threatening to well up in her chest.  _Stop that.  Natsume absolutely deserves it, you_ know _he doesn’t take it for granted, and anyway, this isn’t the time for that.  It’s_ Christmas _._

Tanuma wasn’t far behind.  “… You didn’t have to do that.”  He said. 

“I didn’t do it because I had to.”  She said.  “Why shouldn’t I want to spend Christmas with both my friends?”

Tanuma ducked deeper into his scarf, but she thought he was smiling again.

Natsume ducked outside, sliding the door shut behind him, still finishing wrapping his scarf around his neck.  “Sorry.”  He said.   “Um.  Where to first?” 

Both Tanuma and Natsume turned to face Tooru.  _... I suppose I asked for that_.  With a confidence she didn’t entirely feel, she headed towards the street. 

The first part of their walk passed in silence.  Few houses in the Fujiwaras’ neighborhood had strung up Christmas lights, and even those displays were minimal enough that it hardly seemed worth pointing them out. 

The one exception came, surprisingly enough, from Natsume, who paused in front of one house to smile and say, “I’m glad they finally finished putting their lights up.” 

Tooru and Tanuma both looked at him curiously.  He hesitated for a moment, then said, “They were having a lot of trouble a couple of days ago.  A couple of small _youkai_ had decided it would be fun to tangle and hide the cords, so they kept having to start over.” 

“And you drove them off?”  Tanuma asked. 

Natsume shook his head.  “No, just pointed out how pretty the lights would look once they were up.  They must have decided on their own to see if I was right, after that.” 

Tooru looked at the lights with new eyes.  Natsume’s life was just so _different_ from her own, it seemed hard to imagine sometimes.  “Are any of them there now?” 

He shook his head.  “Not that I can see.” 

“Ah.”  She wanted to say that it was a shame, even though it wasn’t like it mattered.  She wouldn’t have been able to see them either way. 

* * *

They wandered through the center of town, far more slowly than they had earlier.  There was so much more to see, when most of the shops had some sort of display out – lights, or tinsel, or a Christmas tree.  The vegetable stand, with its inflatable Santa.

The Christmas tree in the town square, as tall as some of the buildings that surrounded it; the first one she had clear memories of seeing as a child.  She and her grandfather had always come here, every Christmas, to admire the many glittering decorations that adorned it.  She’d ridden most of the way on his shoulders – at least until she was too big to do so anymore – and then once there, after they’d finished admiring the tree itself, she’d run around underneath it while her grandfather stood watch. 

“Hunting for _youkai_.”  She explained, blushing.  It seemed so silly, now, but – she still wouldn’t trade those memories for the world.  “Of course, we never found any.”

To her surprise, Natsume crouched.  “Not today, either.”  He said as he straightened, then looked around.  “Probably because there are so many people around right now.” 

“So we should have snuck out at midnight?” Tooru asked, half-jokingly, half from the deep craving to know more – anything more – about these inhabitants of their world that she couldn't see.  She hadn’t started adding to her grandfather’s notes yet, but … she wanted to, someday. 

“Might have to be later than that.”  Tanuma offered.  “It’s Christmas, after all.  People will be out pretty late.”

Natsume snickered.  “I remember when Masahiro- _san_ stayed out with his girlfriend until 3 am.  His parents were so angry.  One of the few times –” He stopped suddenly, shaking his head.

“Masahiro?”  Tooru asked. 

Natsume shook his head.  “A cousin of mine, from a place I stayed ... second year of middle school, I think it was?  It's not important.”

It was.  But Tooru doubted either she or Tanuma would be able to convince him of that. 

“So,” she said instead, deliberately casually.  “Sunrise, maybe?”

“Maybe.”  Natsume said.  “Depths of the night would probably be a better bet, though.  Most of the ones I know are no more interested than most humans in getting up that early.  But after a long night of drinking and celebrating, I could see some of them stumbling through.” 

Drunk _youkai_.  The mind boggled.  Although … “Is that where the kitty went?”  She was surprised it had taken her this long to notice that he hadn’t followed Natsume when they left the house.

Natsume sighed.  “Probably.  Though he shouldn’t get too drunk since he knows I’ll refuse to let him go to supper if he’s behaving suspiciously.”  Another sigh.  “… Probably.” 

Tooru laughed at Natsume’s resignation.  Remembering the attitude that Sensei had taken that one time he and Natsume had showed up at her house, she could imagine him kicking up quite a fuss if he got drunk.

“Would you and your grandfather have actually snuck out that late at night?”  Tanuma asked.  “I can’t imagine … my dad would be worried sick.” 

“Normally, of course not.  But if we thought it would give us an opportunity to see _youkai_?  He’d have been the one dragging me out of bed.”

She gazed up at the tree, glittering cheerfully in the crisp night air, and allowed herself a moment of grief.  Her grandfather would have loved to hear Natsume’s stories even more than she did.  She wished he had lived long enough for them to meet. 

Then she shrugged it off, tucked her regrets away, and turned to smile at her friends.  “Shall we move on?  The candy shop usually has a great display.” 

* * *

A whistle pierced the air.  Tooru turned to look, curious even though she assumed it was nothing to do with them.  When Natsume turned, though, she was surprised to see his shoulders droop, his face taking on an unfamiliar cast – resignation mixed with irritation. 

“Natsume- _kun_!”  The man approaching caroled, waving, and seemingly un-phased by Natsume’s decidedly unenthusiastic reaction.  “With a date on _each arm_ , no less.   I didn’t think you had it in you!”

Natsume turned bright red.  Tanuma seemed torn between embarrassment and amusement and vague horror.  Tooru focused on the man.  A large, floppy hat and sunglasses masked most of his distinguishing facial features.  His clothes were unexceptionable: a long blue coat over a dark shirt and slacks, a thick grey scarf tied around his neck.  And she couldn’t quite shake the feeling that she’d seen him somewhere before. 

Well, if so, she was sure it would come to her eventually.  Since both of her friends seemed otherwise occupied, she stepped forward.  “Taki Tooru.  I’m a classmate of Natsume’s.” 

The man tipped his hat up, swept his glasses off, and smiled a smile that … the best way she could think of to describe it was that it _sparkled_.  “He never told me he had such a cute friend.”  The man replied, taking her hand with his free one and placing a chaste kiss on the back of it. 

Tooru blushed despite her best efforts.  _Is he this over-the-top all the time?_  Given how Natsume and Tanuma both appeared to be doing their best to sink into the pavement, she guessed probably so.  “He was probably afraid that exactly this would happen.”  She said, smiling.  She wasn’t _really_ worried – he _was_ Natsume’s friend, after all. 

The man threw his head back and laughed.  “I like this one.  She’s a keeper.” 

“I can choose my own friends, thanks.”  Natsume grumbled.  “What are you doing here, Natori- _san_?”

_Natori._   Tooru hoped her face didn’t reflect her sudden shock.  _Natori Shuuichi?  The_ actor _?!  How does Natsume know_ him _?_

“Can’t a man enjoy an evening stroll?”  Natori- _san_ spread his arms wide.  “A long walk, the chill in the air, the music, the snow crunching softly under your feet, the glittering lights?  It’s the most magical time of year.”

_So why are you spending it alone?_ Was on the tip of her tongue - she may not watch enough TV to have succumbed herself, but she knew Natori- _san_ was more than popular enough to have had his pick of girlfriends to hang on his arm tonight. 

But then there was the way Natsume’s eyes kept shifting sideways, which she might have written off if not for the fact that he also kept blinking and refocusing his attention on Natori- _san_ , looking almost guilty. And then there was the way that Tanuma was practically staring in that same direction, almost squinting.  Like he could _almost_ see something, something that he knew ought to be there. 

Natsume groaned, and it was almost enough to distract her from the mystery of Natori- _san_ ’s maybe-companion.  He rarely ever acted that free with his emotions, and never this quickly.  “Why are you always so –”

“Brilliant?”  Natori- _san_ suggested, inserting himself into Natsume’s sentence so smoothly that she could almost imagine it being the proper end – well, except for what he’d actually said and the disgruntled look on Natsume’s face.  “It’s a difficult job, but somehow I persevere despite the odds!”

Natsume made another noise like a small animal dying – or perhaps one that simply dearly wished to die.  “ _Impossible_ is the word I was thinking.”  She wondered if this was the “real” Natsume; the way he would have acted more of the time, if he hadn’t spent so long being passed from one relative to the next.  But thoughts like that just made her mad, so she tried not to think about it too often.  He was here now, and they weren't going to let him go again.

“Impossible not to love?” Even if that glittering smile didn’t do things to her that she was pretty sure shouldn’t be allowed, she thought she would have had to reserve a special place for it in her heart for the way it affected Natsume – every time she thought he couldn’t get any more exasperated, that smile would come out again, and he’d find a way. 

But though it was hard to tear her eyes away, she made herself, sidling around next to Tanuma and quietly asking, “He’s got a _youkai_ with him, doesn't he?”

Tanuma’s head snapped to look at her, eyes wide with surprise.  He looked back to that area off to the side of Natori, then back to her, something of chagrin in his face.  “That obvious, was I?  I guess I should work on that.”

“Probably.”  She agreed reluctantly.  “But does he?” 

Tanuma grimaced. “I think so.  He had some with him last time we met, and I can almost …” 

Tooru filed away ‘last time we met’ as a story to try and get out of one or both of her friends at some later date.  “What’s he like?” Then, with her thoughts on the subject of Christmas dates or lack thereof in mind, tacked on, “Or she?”

“She.” Tanuma said.  “He’s got several who seem to stick pretty close to him, but the one who I think is here tonight … she mostly looks human.  Her hair’s a bit shorter than yours, and a sort of, um, silvery blonde?  Kind of halfway between yours and Natsume’s.  I don’t know about the rest of her face, since she wears this horned mask with a sort of stylized face drawn on it.  Just one eye, a big one in the center.” 

Fascinating.  She filed away, too, the question of how Tanuma knew how well what she looked like when he should barely be able to see her at all.  “What’s her name?” 

“Hiiragi.”  Another voice interrupted their conversation, and she turned to see that Natori- _san_ and Natsume had paused their argument to watch them, Natori- _san_ with narrow-eyed curiosity and Natsume badly-hidden dismay.  “Her name is Hiiragi.” 

“That’s a nice name.”  From a glance at the surrounding street, she saw no one close, and nearly everyone she could see was either paired up and paying no attention to anyone but themselves, or walking head down, hunched against the cold.  So she decided to take a chance, and aimed a shallow bow just to the left of Natori, approximately where Natsume and Tanuma had been looking. Hopefully.  “It’s nice to meet you, Hiiragi.”

One of Natori- _san_ ’s eyebrows raised. “You really do make the most interesting friends, Natsume.”

He turned the full force of his regard on Tooru.  “And how do you come to know so much about them, while being – if you will pardon the assumption? – unable to see?”  More quietly, as though to himself, he added, “I thought I knew most everyone in the area ...”

Natsume looked even more uncomfortable; she’d almost say afraid. She suddenly remembered that visit he’d made, to warn her about her grandfather’s circle.  Hadn’t the adorable kitty said something about getting in trouble with exorcists?

It had never occurred to her that one of those exorcists might also be Natsume’s friend. 

“I think my family used to be able to see.”  She said.  “We have old stories ... and my grandfather spent a long time travelling around collecting legends.  So I know a few things.”  Natsume relaxed, and irritation stirred.  It's not like she was going to just _forget_ what he'd said. 

“Ah.” Something complicated softened his expression.  “For your own sake, you shouldn’t get any further involved.” 

Irritation surged.  “If I don’t listen to Natsume, I’m definitely not going to listen to you.”  She snapped.  “Just because I can’t see it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist, so I don’t see why I should pretend otherwise.”

She clapped her hands to her mouth.  _What am I_ doing _?  I just told off an exorcist.  I just told off_ Natori Shuuichi _!_

_... And I'm not even sorry._

She lowered her hands. 

Natori- _san_ threw back his head and laughed.  “Truly, the most interesting friends.”  He sobered.  “It’s for your sake that we suggest it, Taki- _san_.  _Youkai_ are dangerous, and they don’t always care whether the ones they go after have the means to fight back.”

_You think I don’t know that?_   She wanted to snap.  But of course he didn’t, and him learning would just raise questions about how she had managed to get herself into that situation, something neither she nor Natsume wanted.  “I’m aware.”  She said instead.  “But I’m not going to let fear that something might happen to me prevent me from being Natsume’s friend.”

Something else complicated crossed Natori- _san_ ’s face, but disappeared too quickly for her to figure out what, as he smiled that sparkling grin again.  “Well said, Taki- _san_.”

“... Do you have a job?”  Natsume interjected.  “We don’t want to delay you unnecessarily ... Or if it’s something you need my help with ...?”

Tooru couldn’t entirely suppress her frown.  She wasn’t entirely sure what a ‘job’ entailed to an exorcist, but Natsume was supposed to be relaxing, having fun with them.  She knew he felt like he had to help.  He wouldn’t be Natsume if he didn’t.  But on _Christmas_?

“I’m on my way back, actually.”  Natori- _san_ said easily.  “It was a quick job – nothing you need worry about.”  He made a shooing motion.  “Now go, enjoy Christmas.  Stop thinking about _them_ for a while.”

And how could he say that with a straight face, she wondered, when he had one of “them” standing right beside him?  Natsume tensed, looking again in Hiiragi’s direction (at least, she assumed the _youkai_ hadn’t moved), but whatever he had wanted to say, he apparently decided it wouldn’t do any good.  Instead, he just sighed.  Then he looked away, expression and posture shifting to far more familiar awkwardness.  “Well … Merry Christmas.” 

She and Tanuma quickly chimed in shortly afterwards. 

A small smile touched the corners of Natori- _san_ ’s lips.  She liked it better than his earlier gleaming grins.  It felt more honest.  “Merry Christmas, Natsume.” He replied, then inclined his head in their direction.  “It was good to see you again, Tanuma- _kun_ , and a pleasure to meet you, Taki- _san_.” 

He replaced his sunglasses, pulled his hat back down, tucked his hands back into his pockets, and strolled onward, looking for all the world like an unexceptionable man out for a solitary walk. 

_Natsume has some of the most interesting friends._

She just wished she could see all of them.

* * *

Tooru smiled as the boys goggled at the display set up in front of the electronics store.  Several slowly rotating wire Christmas trees liberally festooned with lights framed what she thought was supposed to be a representation of a western-style rooftop, complete with a chimney from which a jolly Santa climbed, paced across the rooftop, boarded his sleigh, and rode off a short distance into the air where he disappeared.  A few seconds, and then the process would restart.

The basic display had stayed more or less the same for about as long as she could remember, but every year they changed something about it.  She’d come here with her grandfather, every year, pointing and laughing as they tried to figure out what had changed; arguing with each other over the details of their recollections. 

She hadn’t come, last year.

“You should do your best to memorize what it looks like.”  She recommended, shaking away her darker thoughts.  Both of them turned to look at her.  “They change something about the display every year, so if you want to be able to figure out what it is next year …”

Tanuma immediately turned back to the display, studying it with renewed fervor.  Natsume stared for a moment longer, as though she’d said something incomprehensible.  She blinked.  “What?”

He shook his head, and offered her a smile that looked somehow more fragile than usual.  But happy.  “It’s nothing.”

“If you’re sure …”

He looked back towards the display.  “What was the change this year?” 

“I’m pretty sure it’s either the fact that the Santa’s hat is green instead of red, or the shape of that reindeer’s antlers.”  She pointed. 

Tanuma looked up.  “Wow.  You’ve figured that out already?  We haven’t even been here all that long.” 

“It’s … an old Christmas tradition of mine.”  She said.  “I always used to come here with my grandfather.” 

Tanuma looked away, probably regretting his enthusiasm now.  She struggled to find the right words to reassure him, but they wouldn’t come.  He looked back.  “Then we definitely need to come back next year.” And smiled.

“Next year.”  Natsume repeated quietly.  “Yes, lets.”

Tooru smiled through the lump in her throat; blinked rapidly to fight away the burning in her eyes.

Maybe it could become a new tradition, too. 

* * *

“Oi!  Natsume!”  Sensei careened out of seemingly nowhere into Natsume’s head, sending him reeling into a nearby pile of snow.  Tooru brought her hands to her mouth to hide her laughter, she feared unsuccessfully, as Tanuma offered their friend a hand up, clearly attempting to keep his own face straight. 

“What was _that_ for?” Natsume asked irritably, glaring down at his adorable cat as he brushed off his coat.  Tooru tucked her hands back into her armpits.  Partly because they were cold, mostly because she hoped it would help her better resist the urge to pounce on the kitty. 

“Christmas cake!”  Sensei announced.

A couple of heads turned their direction and Tooru winced, but they all looked away again just as quickly, so perhaps they thought it had been Tanuma whose voice they’d heard.  (Though the thought of Tanuma talking like a rather rude middle-aged man almost sent her off into another fit of giggles.)

“What about Christmas cake?”  She asked. 

“She was going on and on how it was late and there was too much left to be done and she didn’t have the ingredients or the time to bake the cake, so she supposed we’d have to do without.”  He puffed himself up.  “There is no point to Christmas without Christmas cake, so you lot should buy one.  No, two.  Buy two!” He tossed a disinterested glance Tanuma’s way.  “By the way, that priest agreed to come.  Maybe three would be better.”  He turned back to Natsume.  “Buy three Christmas cakes!”

Tanuma looked torn between laughter and taking offense.  “My dad and I don’t eat _that_ much.”

Natsume looked hesitantly between them.  “If you don’t mind the detour ...?”  Then his face fell.  “No, sorry, I don’t think I have enough money on hand for one cake, much less three.  Never mind.”

Tooru exchanged a glance with Tanuma. 

“I could –” He started.

“ _We_ could pitch in.”  Tooru interrupted.  “It probably wouldn’t be enough for three, but I bet we could manage at least one.”

“I couldn’t ask you to –”

“You’re not asking.  I’m –” Tooru coughed, throwing a pointed look in Tanuma’s direction.  He hesitated, then continued, “– we’re insisting.”

Natsume wavered.  “But ... how can I thank you ...?”

“Being invited to join your Christmas dinner is more than thanks enough.”  Tooru said quietly.  A thought occurred to her, and she frowned.  “... You don’t mind, do you?  Us joining your Christmas dinner with your family?  I can say something else came up –”

And if it made her chest ache, to think about spending Christmas alone at home, haunted equally by happy memories of time spent with her grandfather, and by the borderline despair of last year ... well, that was no one’s business but her own, wasn’t it? 

But though something about her question had thrown Natsume into a brief – she might almost say shocked – silence, he recovered quickly, and so vehemently that she felt fairly certain his response was sincere.  “No, that’s not it at all!  I –” he looked down at his hands.  “I’m glad you two will be there too.  Friends and … family, right?”  He offered a small smile.  “I can’t think of a better way to spend Christmas.” 

Tooru smiled back, the warmth burning away the ache in her chest. 

“Oh, who cares!”  Sensei interrupted.  Tooru could resist no longer, and swooped down to capture him.  The blissful feeling of rubbing her face against his soft, thick fur was almost enough to distract her completely from his words.  “Ugh, will you – get off of – Natsume, tell her to –!” But she knew his tricks, now; could hold on no matter how hard he squirmed, and finally he sagged in defeat.  She just squeezed him harder “Ugh.  _Anyway_ , the _important_ thing is, _Christmas cake,_ Natsume!” 

“Yes, Sensei.”  Natsume replied. 

* * *

The first bakery they went to, the harried-looking girl behind the counter informed them that she’d just sold their last Christmas cake.  Disappointed, they all trudged back out into the cold. 

“I’m sorry.”  Tooru said, feeling like she’d let the other two down in her role as unofficial guide.  “That’s the store Grandfather and I always went to.  It never occurred to me that they might run out.”

“It happens.”  Tanuma shrugged.  “How about that other bakery, the one on the way to school?  I’ve never been inside, but it’s pretty big …”

“It’s worth a try.”  Natsume agreed.  “I think I remember seeing advertisements in their window the other day.” 

“Their red bean buns are almost as good as Nanatsujiya’s.”  Sensei said.  A moment of inattention on Tooru’s part, some extra strong wriggling, and he was free, bounding up to walk next to Natsume.  She sighed with disappointment.  “If they don’t have Christmas cakes either, let’s just get red bean buns at Nanatsujiya!”

Natsume looked from Tanuma to her, a plea in his eyes.  “I don’t think that’s very Christmassy, Sensei.”

“Of course it is!”  He insisted.  “They’ve got red in them, don’t they? And the important part is, they’re delicious!”  He paused for a moment.  “Even if this bakery _does_ have Christmas cakes, I demand red bean buns, too!” 

“… Aren’t you fat enough already?”

The cat-shaped _youkai_ huffed, nose raised.  “I’ll have you know that my noble self is the _perfect_ size –”

Tooru couldn’t help it, he was just so _adorable_ when he acted insulted.  She pounced again, and again managed to capture him. 

Natsume laughed as Sensei cursed and wriggled.  “Maybe if you weren’t so fat, you’d have an easier time of dodging Taki.” 

“I could have _easily_ avoided that if I had really wanted to.” 

“So you don’t mind?”  Tooru asked. 

“What? No! Of course I mind!  Now let me go, you exasperating human child!”

“Please don’t yell quite so loud, Sensei.”  Natsume said, still snickering.  “There _are_ still other people out on the streets, after all.” 

“Hmph.” But he settled down anyway.  Tooru couldn’t resist rubbing her cheek against him again. _So soft!_

Thankfully, once they reached it, the other bakery did have a few Christmas cakes left.  As she and Tanuma wandered over to look at the sparse remaining options, she heard the man behind the counter call out to Natsume.  “Your cat begging for treats again?” 

Natsume laughed a bit nervously.  “He wants a Christmas cake this time …”

She looked over just in time to see the other man shake his head.  “Well, it’s certainly the season for them … if he really eats as much as you say, though, it’s a wonder your cat hasn’t either poisoned himself or gotten diabetes by now.”

“I keep trying to put him on a diet,” Natsume said, “But he always seems to find junk food _somewhere_.” 

Sensei renewed his struggle, but this time she managed to contain him before he could fully escape.  “Let me down.”  He hissed.  “I’m going to give that impertinent shopkeeper and my servant a piece of my mind!”

_Servant?  Oh, Natsume, probably._   Tooru wasn’t sure she’d ever fully understand Natsume’s relationship with his _(super adorable)_ cat. 

“What do you think of this cake, Taki?”  Tanuma interrupted, voice louder than usual.  She glanced at him, saw he was looking pointedly at Sensei, and smiled, shuffling over to get a better look. 

It was one of the few white cakes left, topped with a layer of glazed fruit – mostly strawberries, but she could see some raspberries and blueberries and blackberries mixed in as well.  And while most of the rest of the cakes had all sorts of garish ornamentation littering the top – snowmen and Santa Claus and trumpets and mistletoe – this one simply had a small plastic “Merry Christmas” inserted just below center, its black and gold letters blending surprisingly well with the glazed fruit. 

She couldn’t help a small sigh.  “I was hoping for a traditional one, with just strawberries.  But …”

“It looks like all of those are sold out.”  Tanuma said. 

She nodded.  “And this does look like a good cake.”  She glanced at the price tag and winced slightly.  It was also one of the bigger cakes left, and its price reflected that.  “Do you think we’ll have enough?” 

Tanuma looked sideways.  “Originally, I was going to suggest doing some shopping, too, if Natsume didn’t want to look at lights, or if he got bored.  Or if he didn’t have a present for the Fujiwaras yet, and wanted one?  And I was thinking of getting my aunt a gift, since we’re going to see her just after New Years and her birthday is in mid January, so I thought I should probably have some money along in case I found something that seemed appropriate …”

Tooru frowned at him.  “You should have said!” She glanced outside, then immediately wondered why she’d bothered, when it was just as dark out now as it had been when they’d first left the Fujiwaras’ house.  “I’d have been happy to tag along.  And what if he hasn’t and wanted to?”

“What if I haven’t what?” Natsume asked, popping up so suddenly that Tooru almost lost her grip on Sensei.

Looking even more hesitant, Tanuma repeated himself.  Natsume smiled.  “I do have gifts already, actually.  They’re um.  Not really anything special or important, so they’re probably not enough, but …”

“I think having you come live with them was gift enough.”  Tooru said quietly.  Natsume stared at her.  “Touko- _san_ is … I mean, I never knew her well, and it was always clear that she and Shigeru- _san_ _were_ happy together.  But she’s _so much_ happier now that you’re around.  They love having you here.” 

“We all do.”  Tanuma said. 

Natsume ducked his head, and went very, very still, and she couldn’t really tell through all his winter clothing, but she thought he might be trembling.  He took a deep breath, exhaled, and when he looked back up his eyes were clear.  “Thanks, guys.”  He looked past them.  “Is this the cake you were thinking of?”  His eyes shifted downwards, catching sight of the price.  “Oh no, this is way too much.  I guess we need to find a cheaper –”

“Natsume.” Tanuma said.  “Do you like the cake?  Do you think the Fujiwaras will?” 

“That doesn’t matter –”

Tooru met Tanuma’s eyes again, and grinned.  “That sounds like a yes to me.” She said brightly, then turned towards the counter.  “Hirasaki- _san_?  We’d like this one, please!”

Natsume continued to splutter as they sorted out the details of the purchase.  Tanuma had been willing to purchase the cake outright himself, but Tooru insisted on paying half.  Even if it meant she had to let Sensei go so that she could reach her wallet. 

As they left the bakery after a cheery exchange of “Merry Christmas”es with Hirasaki- _san_ , Tooru turned to Natsume.  “If you really feel so bad about it, how about we get together again after Christmas and help Tanuma find a present for his aunt.”  She looked up at her dark-haired friend.  “I’m sorry for ruining your plans for this evening.” 

Tanuma shook his head vehemently.  “You haven’t ruined anything!  This … walking and chatting and looking at lights … I’ve enjoyed it a lot more than I think I would have enjoyed a shopping trip.” 

Natsume nodded.  “Yes, thank you, Taki.  This has been – I mean, I’ve wandered around looking at lights at this time of year in other towns before, but … it really is better with friends, isn’t it?” 

She wished, sometimes, that she could go back in time and give a stern talking-to to all those families whose lives Natsume had entered, and who had simply – and apparently _gladly_ – just let him slip out again. 

_But if he hadn’t been through all those families, would he still have found his way here?_  

Maybe that made it worth it. 

“Yes.”  Tanuma said quietly.  “It really is.” 

* * *

“I’m home.”  Natsume called as he slid open the front door with the hand not occupied by holding the cake box.  He’d insisted on at least carrying it.

As the last in, Tanuma barely had a chance to close the door behind him before Touko- _san_ bustled over.  “Welcome home, Takashi- _kun_!  And welcome back, Kaname- _kun_ , Tooru- _chan_.”

“Thank you for having us.”  Tooru said, enjoying the comparative warmth of the house as she unwound her scarf and removed her hat.  Tanuma wasn’t far behind in adding his thanks as well.  Sensei slipped past their feet with enough grace that she almost forgot for a moment that he wasn’t a _real_ cat, and dashed towards the kitchen. 

“Not a problem at all dear, you’re welcome over any time.  Oh my, what’s this!”

Natsume handed her the box.  “It’s, um, a Christmas cake.  I thought I remembered that we didn’t have one, and I knew how busy you are today …”

It was a well-done, reasonably believable lie, made all the better by the fact that Natsume’s discomfort with lying to his relatives could easily be misinterpreted as his normal shyness.  Tooru just wished he didn’t feel like it was necessary. Especially not with the _Fujiwaras_. 

But that wasn’t her business, so she did her best to keep out of it. 

“How thoughtful!” Touko- _san_ exclaimed.  “Oh, but I can’t let you – how much was it?” 

“Please don’t worry about it, Touko- _san_.”  Tanuma said.  “Taki and I bought the cake.” 

“As thanks for having us over tonight.”  Tooru finished.  “We couldn’t possibly let you pay us back.” 

Touko- _san_ accepted the cake from Natsume, but still looked distressed.  “You didn’t have to –”

“We wanted to.”  Tooru said firmly. 

Perhaps in retaliation, when she tried to offer her help in the kitchen with the last bits of preparation, she found herself kindly, but firmly, kicked back out, told to join the boys. 

“She doesn’t even let me help, most of the time.”  Natsume said. 

“You have a wonderful family, Natsume.”  Tooru said. 

And there it was again – that almost-flinch; a brief flash of wide eyes before he smiled, sudden and sweet.  “Yes, I do.” 

* * *

Tanuma’s father arrived as Touko- _san_ was beginning to lay food out on the table, which had been expanded with the help of a couple of side tables she’d dug out of storage, and many apologies on her part for the heights not quite matching exactly, and for not having anywhere better to serve them.  The three high-schoolers – who she had unbent enough to allow to help set the table – quickly reassured her that as far as they were concerned, this was perfect. 

Tanuma brightened at the sight of the small tray his father carried.  “Christmas cookies!” He exclaimed.  “You remembered.” 

His father beamed gently at him.  “Did you think I would forget?  I made a double batch – hopefully that’s enough.” 

“You really needn’t have.” Touko- _san_ said, starting to look a bit overwhelmed. 

“It is a Christmas tradition of ours.”  The priest said mildly.  “I hope you do not mind too much that we have joined our tradition to yours?” 

“Oh, it’s not –” Looking around at expectant faces, Touko- _san_ broke off whatever she had been about to say, shook her head, and smiled.  “Not at all.”  She took the plate and handed it to Natsume.  “Takashi- _kun_ , could you put these in the kitchen with the cake?  And Tanuma- _san_ , may I help you with your coat?” 

As though on cue, Shigeru- _san_ appeared shortly before they sat down to eat; Tooru suspected he’d been doing his best to stay out of his wife’s way while cooking, but now he had a gentle smile on his face for everyone, so gracious it was impossible to tell whether he had originally been in on the idea to invite Tooru and Tanuma. 

The smile was so much like Natsume’s that it made Tooru’s heart hurt.  Made her wish that the Fujiwaras really _had_ been Natsume’s parents; that he’d grown up here all along, where he’d be safe and cared for and happy.  (And where maybe he and her grandfather could have met, before that chance was lost forever.)

_But at least he’s here now._

Dinner itself was joyous chaos; people eating, passing dishes, engaging in light conversation, until it all merged into a comforting background noise that felt like _happiness_ and _home_ , and sparked dim memories of Christmas dinners when she had been very small. 

Before her dad had left, on his overseas business trips that had slowly taken more and more of his time, until first he spent more time there than at home, and eventually he stopped coming home entirely, his primary communication with the family he left behind the postcards that he usually remembered to send for Christmas and birthdays.  (She wondered, sometimes, if he even thought of it as home anymore.  And wished, sometimes, that she could remember his face without looking at photographs.)

Before her older brother had left, first to college, where he’d at least been home evenings and weekends; then to the city, because that provided opportunities that their tiny town simply didn’t; then overseas as well, following their dad wherever he had disappeared to. 

Before her mother had thrown herself into work because – Tooru _thought_ , though she’d never had the courage to ask – she couldn’t bear how quiet and empty the house had become.  She thought, sometimes, that it would almost have been better if her mother _had_ just left, like her brother and her father.  At least then she wouldn’t keep getting disappointed when she was hardly ever home, either. 

Before her grandfather had … left. 

A gentle nudge to her shoulder, and she blinked up at Tanuma.  “Could you pass the mashed yams, please?” 

“Oh! Sure.” She made sure to grab another large dollop for herself as she passed them, though she feared she’d have a hard time just finishing what she had on her plate already.  But it all tasted so good, it was hard to resist seconds.

She looked around the table, and forced herself to remain in the here and now.  This might not be her family.  But they were her friends, and her friends’ families, and she’d _make_ it be good enough. 

She tuned back in in the middle of Shigeru- _san_ ’s story about a particularly recalcitrant coworker, which led to Tanuma’s father telling an unexpectedly hilarious tale about a conference he’d attended the previous month.  (For a man who looked so gentle and dignified, he had a surprisingly wicked sense of humor.  Not unlike his son.) 

Tanuma and Natsume told stories about mischief they’d gotten up to with Nishimura and Kitamoto.  When one of their stories looked like it was about to invite parental wrath for the danger they’d inadvertently found themselves in (given what she’d heard of Nishimura, this didn’t surprise Tooru as much as she suspected it probably should have), even Tooru managed to drag out one of the stories her grandfather had told about his travels.  And it felt _good_ , when everyone fell silent and listened and laughed in all the right parts.

One story led to another and it was almost like she could hear her grandfather telling the stories through her; like she could almost feel his presence by her side.  Even though she knew it couldn’t be the case, because _youkai_ might exist but she was pretty sure ghosts didn’t.  (And even if they did, she doubted her grandfather would have been the sort to hang around.  He’d be too impatient to move on to his next adventure, in the hopes that he could find some _youkai_ there.)

The hours passed with stories and laughter and such speed that Tooru barely noticed them.  The Christmas cake was well received by all; Sensei’s ceaseless attempts to steal his fair share (which as far as she could tell, he thought was about half the cake) prompting additional laughter until she could tell that it was all he could do to restrain himself from launching a proper diatribe at them all. 

Tanuma’s father’s cookies were equally well received.  Touko- _san_ hadn’t had to eat more than half of one before she turned to him and politely requested the recipe.  He mock-regretfully informed her that it was a family secret.  She didn’t pause for more than a second before declaring that in that case, he and Kaname- _kun_ would _definitely_ need to join them for Christmas again next year.  (And of course you’re welcome, too, Tooru- _chan_.)  (And perhaps by then I’ll have found a _proper_ large table.)

Tooru wasn’t sure Natsume could have hidden how brilliant his smile was even if he’d tried. 

* * *

Once even Touko- _san_ ’s gentle suggestions couldn’t convince anyone else to eat even one more bite, they all contributed as best as they could to the cleanup.  (The kitchen was surprisingly large for a house of this size, but it still wouldn’t comfortably fit all of them at once.)  Touko- _san_ , Shigeru- _san_ , and Tanuma’s father settled in to continue their chat, and when topics turned more towards current politics and the price of gas (neither family owned a car, but it still set a worrying trend, don’t you agree?), it was with no little relief that the three teenagers escaped to the sanctuary of Natsume’s room. 

Natsume produced a plate from behind his back with a wide slice of the Christmas cake.  “Now don’t say I’ve never done anything for you.”  He told Sensei, who of course ignored him for having brought an _entirely_ insufficient offering.  It didn’t stop him from pouncing on the cake the moment Natsume’s back was turned, though.

Natsume then opened his window, letting in a blast of cold air that made all three of them flinch, and started running around the room, waving his hands, and informing seemingly innocent patches of wall and floor and ceiling that now was _not_ the time and _yes_ he meant it, and _fine_ , come back tomorrow, but at least leave him alone for tonight.

Tooru and Tanuma found a handy corner out of the way – at least, Tanuma claimed he couldn’t see anything – sat down, and enjoyed the show. 

As Natsume carried on a particularly heated debate with a particularly inoffensive patch of wall – interspersed with irritable remarks to Sensei about how wasn’t it _his_ job, as bodyguard, to protect him, to which Sensei responded that it wasn’t _his_ fault that all the small fry had decided they wanted to come see what this Christmas thing was about, now was it? – Tooru did her best to stifle her giggles. 

“Amazing, isn’t it?”  Tanuma said quietly. 

She nodded, slowly sobering.  “If I didn’t know better … from the outside, he really does look a little bit –” _Crazy._ But those were words she’d never say in Natsume’s presence, because he _wasn’t_ , and he’d had more than enough people say he was already, and the unfairness of that was enough to make her throat burn again, with rage or suppressed tears or maybe both. 

“I’m just glad he trusts us enough not to try to hide it.”  Tanuma said, looking down.  “At least sometimes.”

Tooru just nodded.

Finally, Natsume firmly closed the window and came back over to where Tooru and Tanuma sat, collapsing with a sigh.  “Sorry about that.” 

They both shook their heads.  “ _Do_ _youkai_ celebrate Christmas?”  Tooru asked.  

Natsume blinked.  “I don’t actually know.  I … don’t think so, though.  I’m not sure they have proper, consistent holidays, just times or seasons that are of particular interest to subsets of them here and there.”  He threw a half-irritated look at the window.  “Anything that gets humans excited is pretty much guaranteed to bring a bunch of the smaller ones out of the woodwork to see what all the fuss is about, though, so from that perspective, I guess they sort of do.” 

“Huh.”

A small, comfortable silence fell, broken only by Sensei munching his way through his piece of the Christmas cake and the low hum of the heater.  Until, clenching his hands, Natsume looked from Tanuma to Tooru and back and said in a rush, “Thank you.  For being here.  For making this – it’s been – I mean.”  He stopped to take a deep breath. “This is the best Christmas I’ve ever had.”

“Mine too.”  Tanuma said quietly. 

Tooru wished she could just agree, that saying it wouldn’t feel so much like a betrayal, when she really _couldn’t_ decide, not when this Christmas and her memories of past Christmases were both so precious to her.  Not when what she _really_ wished was that she could have had both at once, at least _once_ , her grandfather _and_ her friends, because _that_ would have been the best Christmas ever without a doubt.

But she realized she did have at least one thing she could say. 

“I wouldn’t call it the best just yet.” 

Natsume and Tanuma looked at her. 

“Because next Christmas is going to be even better.” 

Slowly, falteringly, brilliantly, her two best friends grinned at her, and she found herself grinning back. 


End file.
